Never Take Advice From Someone Who Lives A Life You Don’t Want

A Stoic Perspective

As a student and proponent of Stoic philosophy, I study both the classics and modern interpretations. Although, in my opinion, Stoicism provides a superior way to live and way to perceive the world, translating that into practical action is not always easy or straightforward. In studying classical Stoicism, I frequently read Epictetus, Seneca, and what survives of Zeno. However, in translating philosophy into action, I take a lot of inspiration from Marcus Aurelius, who was not a Stoic philosopher (in my opinion). Marcus Aurelius was a Stoic student and adherent, and as such, his focus was more on using Stoicism to guide his actions rather than musing on Stoicism itself.

In the fashion of Marcus Aurelius, seeking the practical application of philosophical truths, I adhere to two practical applications and extensions of Stoic thought which have been one of the most profound sources of peace in my life.

Surround yourself only with people you admire.

Surround yourself with people and things which uplift you, and discard anyone or anything which doesn’t. Look carefully at your circle. Everyone in your circle should both have your best interest at heart, and have the means to add to your value. Everyone in your circle should offer you something which makes you better, stronger, smarter, and you should be able to do the same in return for them.

Associate with those who will make a better man of you. Welcome those whom you yourself can improve. The process is mutual; for men learn while they teach. — Seneca, Letters to Lucilius 7.8

As harsh as this is, sometimes this means removing those who are not good for us. We must sometimes realize that not everyone who was good for us at one point, is still good for us now. It’s also important to identify those who were never good for us, and remove them. To be honest, I have been on the wrong end of that, being the one discarded because I was not good for someone. It’s not easy, but we must realize it is for the best for both.

Above all, keep a close watch on this — that you are never so tied to your former acquaintances and friends that you are pulled down to their level. If you don’t, you’ll be ruined. — Epictetus, Discourses 3.16

From this beginning principle, keep only those near you who you admire, a more powerful life principle can be extended and leveraged for a better, more virtuous, more authentic life.

Never take advice from anyone who lives a life you don’t want.

If someone isn’t going where you want to go, in the way you would like to get there (an essential qualification), don’t listen to their advice on anything. Even if they have aspects of a life you want, don’t be fooled into thinking you can cherry-pick your way through their life for the parts you like, and discard the rest. That’s not how life works. Life is holistic and systemic. If someone is rich, and lives a wealthy life you think you want, look at how they got there, and look even closer at how they live while in that life. It’s all or nothing. If they got there on a path you don’t want, don’t be a fool and think you can somehow “tolerate” that path to get where you want to go. You can’t.

Look to the lives of those who lived with wisdom and courage. If you would be a good man, imitate those who are good. — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 6.48

Do not confuse this principle with “do not take instruction” from someone living a life you don’t want. We often can and should take instruction from a wide variety of people, most of whom will not live a life we want, but they have knowledge we want. I have had many professors, teachers, and instructors in my life, most of whom who didn’t live any kind of life I wanted, but they were experts in their fields, and they had knowledge I wanted. Knowledge is different from advice. Knowledge is founded in scientific, logical, and philosophical truths. Advice is opinion. While it may be based in knowledge, advice is also based on the opinion of that knowledge, which includes the biases of the advice giver. Learn knowledge from experts within their field, but do not take advice from any of them, or anyone else, unless they are living the life you want.

Choose your guides carefully, for many lead others astray. — Seneca, Letters to Lucilius 104.26

I admit I have many times in life taken advice from people who live a life I don’t want. Most of them executives and entrepreneurs; network like this… relationship build like that… say this not that… go here not there… wear this not that… and on and on. I listened and followed this advice because I wanted aspects of their lives, but when I stepped back and really looked at them for who and what they were, I didn’t want to be anything like them. Any time I followed the advice of people who lived contrary to how I wanted to live, sooner-or-later it was a disaster. Conversely, looking back at the people who lived lives I admired, if I had listened to them more often, I’d be a lot better off today.

First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do.
— Epictetus, Discourses 3.23

The problem with taking advice from someone living a life you don’t want is they will never have your perspective or interests at heart. For example; I’m in the gym daily, about half that time I’m lifting weights and doing what looks like a typical bodybuilder workout. However, I’m not a bodybuilder, I’m a martial artist, and my lifts are typically “wrong” compared to the typical bodybuilder. I lift too fast, I’m not always in the “right” position, I do lifts for which there are “better” lifts. As such, I frequently get corrected and told the “right” way by some bodybuilder or powerlifter or just some guy who read one too many fitness magazines. It’s not that what they are saying is wrong, it’s just wrong for me. They have a different lifestyle, different goals, and they don’t know where I’m coming from or where I’m going. Even when I explain my position to them, more often than not, they double down because then it becomes and ego thing.

A more serious example, I have, by many perspectives, blown-up and destroyed my career and finances. I used to work corporate, and I did pretty well. I was well into a solid six-figure income, had executive titles, and very likely would continue to grow on that path. About 8 years ago, I walked away. I gave up 65% of my income, changed careers into academics, and went back to school to get my PhD. Between the loss of income and school expenses, I “lost” hundreds of thousands of dollars. I got advice from everyone around me, “you should get your PMP certification instead,” “if you invest that tuition money, you’ll get a better return,” “a PhD won’t help you in the ‘real’ world (whatever that is), you’d be better off getting an MBA.” Now here I am 8 years later, I have my PhD, I’m a professor, and I still get advice like, “now you should go back to corporate, you’ll make three times the money.” No, thanks, I’m happy right where I am, and my lifestyle is right where I want it to be. All that other advice is valid, and it would be productive if my goals were their goals. They aren’t.

Realize, when someone gives you advice, they are rarely just giving you advice. What they are really doing, even if it’s subconscious, is validating their own life choices and attempting to move you closer to their lifestyle. It’s not malicious, it’s just human nature. We all want validation, and that’s what advice really is, it’s self validation. Just realize that when taking advice, you cannot simply take it in isolation and be successful. For you to take any advice and be successful, some part of your lifestyle will have to adapt, even if in small amounts, to be closer to the lifestyle of the advice giver. Life is holistic and systemic. Nothing exists in isolation.

Whatever you would make habitual, practice it; and if you would not make a habit of an action, do not do it. So, likewise, do not associate with those who make you worse. — Epictetus, Discourses 2.18

The two life principles given here go together. First, surround yourself only with people you admire. Then, among those people, listen to advice of people living the life you want. Never take advice from someone who lives a life you don’t want, even if you admire them. No matter how good the advice, no matter how clever you think you are, taking any advice will move you closer to the advice giver’s life. If you want that life, go for it. If you don’t, walk away and find someone else to emulate.

So, here I am giving you advice. Should you listen to me? Probably not. Odds are, I don’t live a life you want. I’m not rich. I don’t care about hustle-culture, or how to monetize anything. I’m not concerned about relationship building or networking, and I love to burn bridges, almost like it was my job. I have almost no followers on social media, and I couldn’t care less. I don’t drive a car worth noting. I never set an alarm clock because I have nothing to get up for which necessitates an alarming noise. I don’t care about politics, I walked away from the absurd right-left “discourse” long ago. I have few people in my circle, and I can count on one hand (with fingers to spare) the number of people I call a true friend. I consider personal development, both physical and intellectual, to take precedence over almost all material possessions and all financial concerns.

Because of all that, right now, I’m just sitting here writing on the Internet… living on a Greek island, just a few meters from the beach. The only noise I hear, are the waves. Behind me is my beautiful wife of 26 years, and my son, the pride of my life. At my feet, my old and loyal-to-a-fault dog. I spend most of my days training martial arts, teaching computer science, reading philosophy, studying the Greek language, going to the gym with my son, travelling Europe, and sitting at the beach thinking up other dumb things to write about.

Don’t listen to me. You’ll probably just end up in the same silly, little Greek taverna as me, sipping ouzo, and laughing… wasting your life.

Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else. But tell me, you who desire it, do you have it in you to live as you wish? Are you free? No, you seek to gain wealth, power, and office. You tremble for your reputation and fortune. You are enslaved to others. Who is truly free? Only the man who controls himself. — Epictetus, Discourses 4.1